Draco Malfoy and the Evil Fanfiction
by Moony1972
Summary: Draco reads My Immortal, and is later joined by other people, after finding it in the Room of Hidden Things. A commentary on Tara Gliesbie's masterpiece, read it if you want to be amused. Rated for Tara's language and "explicit" scenes. Hurt/Comfort for your eyes.
1. Draco Finds A Book!

**Disclaimer: Goes for the whole story. I do not own Draco Malfoy or Tara Gliebie's My Immortal. In no means was this meant to hurt any feelings, this is just me teasing. I've just always wanted to write this...**

**Moony's A/N: I've always wanted to write this commentary, so I decided to post what I wrote. The text of the book is written in bold. Enjoy it.  
**

* * *

Draco Malfoy was having a tough year. He was starting to feel conflicted with everything, and started to hide out in the Room of Hidden Things for long periods of time. He hated school, hated You-Know-Who, and just needed some refuge.

As he ruffled through some of the things that he had hidden away, he found a small, badly published book. He peered inside, and thought it a good idea to read it. After all, what harm could possibly come from a book?

It was called: _My Immortal_.

**Chapter 1.**

**AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) **

"What?" Draco muttered. "No, I don't get it. _Fangs_? Bloody hell..."

**2 my gf (ew not in that way) **

"Does gf mean girlfriend?" Draco asked. "I wasn't thinking of it in that way...but do you not support gay rights? Blimey..."

**raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. **

"Please tell me that she can actually spell things, please! I'm practically begging right now!" Draco all but exclaimed. "Otherwise this Raven and bloodytearz666 are not helping in any way...this is pure butchering of the English language!"

**U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life **

"...who would ever date someone so stupid?"

**u rok 2! MCR ROX!**

"MCR?" Draco shook his head disbelievingly.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Draco couldn't help but laugh at all the X's.

**Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way **

Draco blinked. "And people think my name's funny? Weaselbee's got to see this..."

**and I have long ebony black hair **

"Er...Ebony means Black...this is so awkward."

**(that's how I got my name) **

"Oh, of course!" Draco exclaimed, feigning recognition. "Kids are all named based on what they look like when they get older! Of course!"

**with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears **

"Er...right," Draco said confusedly. "Yeah. _Limpid tears_? Honest to Merlin, who describes themselves like that?"

**and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee **

"Who?"

**(AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). **

"Oh, right. Gotta get out of here..." Draco tried to peel his eyes away from the story, but found himself wanting to read more.

Conveniently, though, next to the book lay a picture of a girl named Amy Lee, as was labelled on the bottom.

"Hmm..." Draco found himself thinking. "Not the end of the world, but...I'd expect better..."

**I'm not related to Gerard Way **

"Who?!"

**but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. **

"Um..." Draco said, thinking out loud. "Father says that people's feelings on hot differ...His mother found Bellatrix hot." He shuddered at the thought.

**I'm a vampire **

"Woah! This just took a turn for the cooler!" Draco felt himself being absorbed into the world of Ebony.

**but my teeth are straight and white. **

Draco furrowed his brow. "Are Vampire teeth normally different?"

**I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, **

All of a sudden, Draco wasn't sure how much he liked Ebony anymore. "Isn't that convenient?"

**and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts **

"Oh _Merlin_!" Draco looked horrified. "Wait until my father hears about this!"

**in England **

"What is this shit?" Draco read the above two words multiple times. "Hogwarts is in _Scotland_, you filthy little Mudblood."

**where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen)****.**

"No, really?" Draco asked the book sardonically. "I could _never _tell."

** I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) **

"...Because your name's Ebony? Okay, then..."

**and I wear mostly black. **

"Isn't that what the Gothic culture tends to wear?" Draco wondered aloud.

**I love Hot Topic **

"What is that? Certainly not a Wizard store. Even Mudblood Granger's never mentioned a Hot Topic...not that I talk to her much, anyway..."

**and I buy all my clothes from there. **

"What a fascinating wardrobe!" Draco gave a 'whoop'. "Not that you'd need much variety, there's a uniform at Hogwarts, after all. As there should be."

**For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. **

Draco stared blankly. "And I needed to know because..."

**I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, **

"Wha-?" Draco scanned the page. "I thought your skin was pale white? Why would you need more white foundation?"

**black eyeliner and red eye shadow. **

Draco yawned. "Are you done yet?"

**I was walking outside Hogwarts. **

"In that?" Draco asked, looking aghast. "_No_! You're hurting my brain my just making me think about it! Get out of the already messed up climate of Hogwarts!"

**It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, **

"Not. Computing. Repeat," Draco reread the sentence. "Damn it! How can it be raining and snowing at the same time?! Isn't that against the laws of nature and stuff?"

As you could tell, Draco was getting very involved into the story.

**which I was very happy about. A lot of preps **

"What's a prep?" Draco paused, thinking. "Prep as in preppy? Do you mean like the Brown and Patil girl?" Draco decided that he would never know.

**stared at me. **

Draco scoffed. "Well yeah! What'd you expect? You're way out of dress code!"

**I put up my middle finger at them.**

"Doesn't that mean...wow, Ebony. You're so polite."

**"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. **

"Oh my Merlin, she's got _friends_?" Draco had a disbelieving look upon his face.

**I looked up. It was…. **

Draco rolled his eyes at the forced suspense. Although, he had to admit, it did make him somewhat curious.

**Draco Malfoy!**

"Oh Merlin! I called her by her first name! I _never _call _anyone _by their first name! Oh Merlin...maybe I'm here to dock points of Gryffindork for being out of dress code!" Draco looked quite hopeful.

**"What's up Draco?" I asked.**

"Damn you! We're not a first name basis!" Draco now found himself yelling at the book.

**"Nothing." he said shyly.**

"Shyly? _Shyly_?!" Draco was furious. "Listen here, Ebony._ I am not shy._ Got it?"

**But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.**

"You had - what - friends - called -" Draco spluttered. "Oh Merlin."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"Yippee," Draco said unenthusiastically. "More X's."

**AN: IS it good? **

"_NO_! No it's not good!" Draco exclaimed. "You made me _shy_! How is this _good_?!"

**PLZ tell me fangz!**

"I just did, you lunatic."

As much as Draco wanted to slam the book, he realized it must have had cursed powers, as he found himself unable to put it down.

* * *

**Moony's Authour's Note: Did you like it? I know Draco's a bit OOC, but I just want to write his reactions later with his transformed self. Later on, as the characters are introduced in My Immortal, their HP counterparts will show up. But the main character is Draco. **


	2. He Realizes That Books Are Inanimate

Draco found himself highly amused as he flipped the page to the next chapter.

**Chapter 2.**

**AN: Fangz **

"I think you say 'fangz' because you're a vampire," Draco said smartly. "And it means 'thanks', right? Merlin, I'm going mad, I'm talking to a book...Father'll kill me...don't tell him, DAMN IT!"

Draco was going a bit crazy.

**2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! **

"Please," Draco begged. "Learn to speak English properly! No one speaks with that vernacular."

**BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!**

"Er...I would flame your story if I got the chance."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Draco laughed again. "Look at all those X's...is that a 666? Blimey...what does that even mean?"

**The next day I woke up in my bedroom. **

Draco felt a little confused. "Where else would you wake up? On the street?" Draco began to chuckle at his own joke.

**It was snowing and raining again. **

"Oh Merlin! What's with the snow and rain? I know Hogwarts has weird weather, but not _that _weird!"

**I opened the door of my coffin **

"Couldn't you have died in there? That would have been funny..." Draco stopped himself before he thought about death any longer. That reminded him of the Dark Lord, and he didn't want to have to deal with that right now. Wasn't that the reason he was reading this ridiculousness at the moment in time?

**and drank some blood from a bottle I had. **

"Oh, of course," Draco said, waving his arm dismissively. "We all just have blood lying around in bottles everywhere...er, what kind of blood?"

**My coffin was black ebony **

Draco raised his brow. "Not ebony black, then? Does that mean it's a different shade of black than your hair? Can black even be different shades? And isn't ebony black anyway?"

**and inside it was hot pink velvet **

"That would hurt my eyes," Draco reckoned.

**with black lace on the ends. **

Draco noted that the coffin was a rather fancy coffin, but quite unlike the one the Malfoys would use...

**I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt**

"Oh yes. MCR, your favourite...er...well, it 'rox' as you so eloquently put it. Why would you even where a huge shirt? Wouldn't it, like, fall off?"

**which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.**

"Bloody hell! Do you ever stop with the clothing descriptions!"

**My friend, **

"Who would want to be friends with you?" Draco asked, although his heart sank with the realization of what was happening every moment of his life. He didn't exactly have that many real friends either.

**Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) **

"I really don't like these notes in the middle of your story," Draco said matter-of-factly. "And you named a character after your editor?"

**woke up then and grinned at me. **

"Would she have slept and then grinned at you? I mean, come on, your thicker than the ginger!" Draco exclaimed, looking quite shocked that anyone could be dafter than Weasley (boy # 6).

**She flipped her long waist-length ****raven **

"Oh, and that's how she was named, right?" Draco asked knowingly. This story was becoming rather predictable.

**black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. **

"Woah, woah, woah!" Draco looked rather creeped out. "She woke up, but her eyes were shut, then she grinned at you, and _then_ opened her eyes? How did you - oh, just don't ask."

**She put on her Marilyn Manson **

"Her _who_?" Draco automatically looked over to the side, where he found a picture of the 'celebrity'. "Damn her and these weird Muggles!"

**t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. **

"Oh. My. Merlin," Draco said. "Quit with the bloody clothing descriptions already!"

**We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)**

"I still don't get why you need white foundation when you already have pale skin."

**"OMFG, **

"Who talks like that? Like they say the letters or try and say that like a word?" Draco pondered on the fact for a couple minutes.

**I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.**

Draco couldn't help but laugh. "I know I'm amazing, but don't you have better things to talk about? Good to know some Gryffindors like me..."

**"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.**

"Oh no. No, no, no, no, no," Draco started to dread what was possibly coming next.

**"Do you like Draco?"****she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room **

"AAH! Which fool gave you permission to get into Slytherin, huh? _Which one of you_?" Draco was coming close to hysteria. "My father will hear about this!"

**and into the Great Hall.**

**"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.**

"...Right. I don't like you either!" Draco said. "But, for the record, I have a feeling your in denial. May Merlin help me."

**"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. **

"Damn. I have to admit the Willow girl is about as smart as me...this is sad."

**Just then, Draco walked up to me.**

"Look at me!" Draco said, smacking his hand against his forehead. "Appearing out of nowhere, just to where Ebony is! Behold my powers, Merlin!"

**"Hi." he said.**

**"Hi." I replied **

"What a riveting conversation," Draco couldn't help but mutter.

**flirtily.**

Draco mimed vomiting, half expecting laughter, but it wasn't received, seeing as the room was both empty and hidden.

Then a thought occurred to him. "How do you even say 'hi' flirtatiously?"

No one answered.

**"Guess what." he said.**

"Oh Merlin, call her a Mudblood and move on, me!" Draco advised. "And put a bloody question mark at the end of your statement!"

**"What?" I asked.**

"Good Merlin, I knew you were talking. It's only you and I in the room...and Willow, but she's kind of a silent idiot. Unfortunately having a bit more sense than you."

**"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.**

"Don't I have anything better to do than to keep track of Muggle concerts playing in Hogsmeade?!" Draco was insulted. "Insult her, God damn it!"

**"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" **

Draco was taken aback, and attempted to 'speak' to Ebony rationally. "Calm yourself. It's just a band."

**I screamed. **

"Please don't."

**I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.**

Draco started to seem a little worried. "And I know this because...?"

**"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.**

"Oh Merlin. Me, you are _so _stupid! How could you like that girl?" Draco decided to apply a Muggle tactic, and crossed his fingers in prayer. "Please say no, please say no..."

**I gasped.**

She didn't.

But she didn't say yes either!

"Damn Muggle tactics! They never work!" Draco said. "I should have used my wand!"

Draco felt that he just _had _to see what happened next during their 'date'.

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**Moony's A/N: Thank you to those who reviewed. Any thoughts or commentary on my story?**


	3. Muggle Traditions Are Weird

**Chapter 3.**

"What a brilliant name for a chapter," Draco couldn't help but mutter.

**AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! **

"KEEP FLAMING THE STORY!" Draco yelled back. "Honestly, if so many people are telling you to change, then why won't you?"

**odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! **

"Wait, so only _gothic_ people give good reviews? How are you so sure about this?" Needless to say, Draco was having trouble figuring out the way that this girl's mind worked.

**FANGS AGEN RAVEN! **

"I need to have a chat with this Raven...she's not really helping."

**oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.**

"THANK MERLIN!" Draco shouted to the heavens. "At least part of this will have to be, sort of at least, decent."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Draco had to admit, his favourite part was the X's.

**On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. **

Draco couldn't help but groan. "Please tell me you're not going into an in depth description of your clothes again..."

She did.

**Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. **

Draco made a face. "That doesn't sound very attractive. Ripped fishnets and leather? You sound like Aunt Bella..."

**I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. **

Draco burst into laughter. He was imagining her hair up in some sort of stick similar to that of a unicorn. Like two feet high.

**I felt a little depressed then, **

At this, despite the ridiculousness of the story, Draco felt a little insulted. ""How can you be depressed?! You're going on a date with me!"

**so I slit one of my wrists. **

"So you _what_?!" Draco could not understand the logic. "When you're sad, you don't just cut off parts of your body!"

**I read a depressing book **

"Oh, right, of course, just casually carry on with life," said Draco. "No wonder you're feeling depressed, you keep reading stupid, Muggle things!"

**while I waited for it to stop bleeding**

"Use your bloody magic, you seventeen year old Muggle! Does the words wand and magic ring a bell to you?"

**and I listened to some GC. **

Suddenly, Draco looked rather triumphant. "Please, please, please listen to it so much that you get so sick of it that you decide you don't want to go to the concert with me! Please, I won't object!"

**I painted my nails black **

"Damn it," Draco made a face that made him look quite crazy. "And what do you know! She's wearing _black _because her name's Ebony! I should be wearing dragon shirts all the time because of my name...er, scratch that."

Draco looked down at his shirt underneath his robes, seeing the small picture of a green dragon and a star in the corner.

**and put on TONS of black eyeliner. **

"GUESS WHAT? It's _black_! Why not ebony, huh Ebony? Or perhaps, ebony black? Or maybe black ebony sounds like the better choice? Guess you can't just get enough eyeliner...you need TONS!"

**Then I put on some black lipstick. **

Draco groaned. "To be honest, I don't care about your outfit or makeup. So please, shut up, Mudblood."

**I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. **

Draco laughed. "Never stopped you before."

**I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.**

"Right, of course! I do the same thing! Must have the human blood before a Muggle concert!"

**I went outside. Draco **

The lone boy in the room groaned loudly.

**was waiting there in front of his flying car. **

"My...flying car? Doesn't Blood-traitor Weasley have that? Why would I have that?"

**He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt **

"A what?! But...but my name is Draco! This doesn't fit your pattern of names here!"

**(they would play at the show too), **

"Oh, yes. I'm sure rival Muggle bands _always_ play at the same concert," said Draco sarcastically.

**baggy black skater pants, **

"Oh no...you're going to describe my outfit, my Father will hear about this!" Draco was looking traumatized. "Stop before it's too late! Don't make it the end of the world bad!"

**black nail polish **

"Oh Merlin."

**and a little eyeliner **

"NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Draco yelled. "GET IT OFF!"

**(AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).**

Draco was panting heavily. "_Kewl_ boys might, but not the Slytherin me! I've never met anyone who wears such blasphemy!"

**"Hi Draco!" **

"Go away, Ebony."

**I said in a depressed voice.**

Draco blinked. "That had an exclamation point. How can you say something in a depressed voice when it clearly has an exclamation point?"

**"Hi Ebony." he said back. **

"I'm so stupid."

**We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) **

"Again with the bloody 666! What the hell does that mean?!" Draco's face was going red as his brain was feeling overwhelmed with the processing of three 6's.

**and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. **

"Marilyn Manson..." Draco picked up the paper that had appeared and screamed.

**We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. **

"Oh yeah, of course! Everyone casually does that in the Wizarding World!"

**When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. **

"Why did I just jump out of a car?" asked Draco, looking rather worried. "Shouldn't we have landed? Merlin, this girl's stupidity is rubbing off on me!"

**We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage **

Draco sighed, realizing that he had no control over the nonsense being written in this story. He had no control over his character.

**and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.**

"Why. Am. I. Jumping? Stop. Jumping. YOU DON'T JUMP WHEN YOU LISTEN TO MUSIC! Not even Muggles do that! Mudblood Granger never said so."

Little did Draco know that this really _was _common in Muggle concerts.

**"You come in cold, you're covered in blood**  
**They're all so happy you've arrived**  
**The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom**  
**She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).**

"Are you certain? Because those are the stupidest lyrics I have ever heard."

**"Joel is so fucking hot." **

Draco immediately looked to the pile of Hidden Pictures, and figured out exactly why they were hidden.

"SHE'S GOT A TERRIBLE TASTE IN GUYS! How could she possibly like me?"

**I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.**

Draco scoffed. "I bet a thousand galleons that it sucks."

**Suddenly Draco looked sad.**

"Bloody hell."

**"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. **

"You are the most stupid person to ever walk this planet!" Draco exclaimed. "You don't tell someone that on their first date! Although...I hope I get mad and leave you forever in the Forbidden Forest."

**Then I caught on.**

"Finally...idiot."

**"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.**

"Really? Ebony, I don't go for people who yell 'you' in my face. Never come back again."

**"Really?" asked Draco sensitively **

Draco's nostrils were flaring. "I. Am. Not. Sensitive!"

**and he put his arm around me all protective.**

"AAH! Get my arm away from you! No physical contact allowed!" Draco paused in the middle of his panic attack. "Plus, that's a really messed up sentence."

**"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." **

"You need to come up with better insults," reckoned Draco. "How about, filthy little Muggle?"

Draco then turned and looked at the picture of Hilary Duff. "She doesn't look too bad. She needs a better taste in boyfriends though..."

**I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.**

Draco made a face. "She doesn't have a blonde face! Is it even possible to have a blonde face?"

**The night went on really well, and I had a great time. **

Draco narrowed his eyes. "What about me? Selfish little...bitch...ha! That's fun to say!"

**So did Draco. **

"Damn. I should have had a terrible time!"

**After the concert, we drank some beer **

"What's wrong with butterbeer and firewhiskey? Why are we behaving like Muggles?" Draco wished that the Dark Lord's task had consisted of killing Ebony.

**and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. **

"And they asked for mine, as the Malfoy heir!" Draco added, looking smug. "And that, my friends, was the greatest sentence of this entire story!"

**We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, **

"Crawled? _Crawled_? Why would we crawl into a _car_? And wasn't it flying in the air?"

**but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest!**

Draco gave a whoop of delight. "Great job, me! Now go ditch the bitch - haha, that's funny, it rhymes - in the forest! _THEN RUN FOR YOUR LIFE_!"

Draco immediately flipped the page when he heard the door creak open. It was...DUMBLEDORE!

* * *

**Moony's Authour's Note: Did you like it? You should review so I know what you think! XD, a bit hyper when writing this story...**


	4. Dumbledore Gets Turned On (Or saves day)

**Moony's Authour's Note: Hey, I'm changing this to a script format now. Will make it easier to write, as well as this was what I planned originally for there to be with the multiple characters.**

* * *

Draco: Dumbledore? What are you doing here?

Dumbledore: I received an urgent request to come to this room...had to read something, apparently...

Draco: *widens eyes* Oh no! You're going to have to read the dreaded book that you can't put down! Professor, please! Accept my warning and turn back while you can!

Dumbledore: Nonsense, Mr Malfoy. That book appears to have no magical properties whatsoever.

Draco: It's not just magical properties, sir! It's so bad, you can't put it down!

Dumbledore: Nonsense. What's happened so far?

Draco: ...Just don't say I didn't warn you.

_Draco spends painstakingly long hours explaining the traumatizing events that had just occurred._

Dumbledore: HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA! That is the best thing I have ever heard! Let us continue!

**Chapter 4.**

Dumbledore: See, that wasn't so bad.

Draco: *sighs*

**AN: I sed **

Dumbledore: Okay...a few typos here and there. Not the end of the world.

**stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY **

Draco: She just spelt her own characters' name wrong. How do you spell your own character's name wrong?

**nut mary su OK! **

Draco: She is totally a Mary Sue.

Dumbledore: You should be patient. I am sure she is not a Mary Sue.

**DRACO IS SOO IN LUV **

Draco: *covers face with his hands* I was going to abandon her in the forest! Not be in love with her!

Dumbledore: Draco found love!

**wif her dat he is acting defrent!**

Draco: Please, no.

**dey nu eechodder b4 ok!**

Draco: *awkwardly looks around* No, I have never known a Ebony before.

Dumbledore: Are you sure?

Draco: *panics* No! No, I don't think so! THIS CAN'T BE REAL!

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Draco: hahahahaha! X's!

Dumbledore: But they have a 666 in the middle.

Draco: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! What do they even mean, anyway?

Dumbledore: How would I know?

Draco: DUMBLEDORE DIDN'T KNOW SOMETHING!

Dumbledore: Well, this is a Muggle tradition.

Draco: Oh my...you're prejudiced against Muggles? Nice to meet you! I'm Draco Malfoy!

Dumbledore: ...

**"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"**

Draco: Going to kill you whilst you are in the middle of the forest and there are no witnesses? Honestly, what else did you think? And I'm going to do it long range too, so I never have to make any physical contact with you!

Dumbledore: ...I have gone temporarily deaf.

**Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. **

Draco: I'm an idiot. I hope I walk back in.

**I walked out of it too, curiously.**

Dumbledore: I'm curious too.

Draco: But I just told you my plan!

**"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.**

Draco: But I thought you were curious?

Dumbledore: I guess not.

**"Ebony?" he asked.**

Draco: Oh no! Stop talking! Just ditch her quickly!

Dumbledore: That is not a very nice thing...although she doesn't seem like a very nice person.

Draco: Yes, Dumbledore! You're finally making some sense!

**"What?" I snapped.**

Draco: And then Draco got all pissed and ran away.

Dumbledore: The Forbidden Forest is forbidden.

Draco: *looks oddly* Great! I know! Way to state the obvious! Can't you see I'm in the middle of a pep talk?

Dumbledore: The forbidden forest is a dangerous place.

Draco: I know! GET OUT OF THERE!

**Draco leaned in extra-close **

Draco: I think she meant far. That's a typo.

Dumbledore: I don't think that's true.

**and I looked into his gothic red eyes **

Draco: My eyes are not red!

Dumbledore: No. No they are not.

Draco: They're grey and _not_gothic!

Dumbledore: Yes. I can see that.

Draco: *resisting the urge to kill Dumbledore on the spot* I'm not trying to persuade you! My eyes are not gothic red, Ebony!

**(he was wearing color contacts) **

Dumbledore: See? There's a perfectly logical explanation.

Draco: Why, in the name of Merlin, am I wearing _colour contacts_?!

**which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness **

Draco: ...My contacts did?

**and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.**

Draco: ...This girl is stupid.

Dumbledore: What? That turns me on.

Draco: ...I did not need to know that. WHY DO I NEED TO KNOW WHAT TURNS YOU ON?!

Dumbledore: Well, you wanted to know what turns Ebony on.

Draco: No. I. Did. Not.

**And then… suddenly just as I Draco **

Draco: _Just as you what_?

Dumbledore: Don't look at me. It doesn't say.

**kissed me passionately. **

Draco: *taking deep breaths* WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT PHYSICAL CONTACT, HUH?

Dumbledore: You should calm down.

Draco: Calm down? _Calm down_? I kissed the idiot passionately!

Dumbledore: Maybe you had some garlic or something.

Draco: *Scoff* I wish! When I was moshing to the bloody music?

**Draco climbed on top of me **

Draco: And then came down again.

**and we started to make out keenly against a tree.**

Dumbledore: I am so glad I'm not witnessing this.

Draco: AAH! Get away from her!

**He took of my top **

Draco: *whimpers* And you put them back on?

**and I took of his clothes. **

Draco: No. No. Put them back on!

Dumbledore: Surely this would turn you on?

Draco: NO! It most certainly would not!

**I even took of my bra. **

Draco: No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no...

Dumbledore: Yes?

Draco: NO!

**Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what **

Draco: *horrified*

Dumbledore: *laughs*

**and we did it for the first time.**

Draco: NYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Dumbledore: If you ever want to do something like that next year, please make sure you are of age, and then don't do it in the Forbidden Forest.

Draco: *too busy screaming 'no' to answer Dumbledore*

**"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. **

Dumbledore: Ooh...That's weird.

Draco: Ya think?

Dumbledore: I did not need to know that.

Draco: No shit.

**We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. **

Draco: Ugh.

**And then….**

Dumbledore: And then what?

Draco: Why the one million dots of suspense?

Dumbledore: Maybe she got pregnant?

Draco: Ew! Already?

Dumbledore: Always expect the unexpected.

Draco: Maybe...And then you woke up, learning this was all a hallucination?

Dumbledore: I doubt it.

**"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"**

Draco: *laughs like a maniac*

Dumbledore: You should not swear if you're not going to spell it right.

**It was….**

Draco: Oh Merlin...the suspense...

Dumbledore: The person who swore like this is dumb. They'll have to have a little chat with me.

Draco: If they exist.

**Dumbledore!**

_A long silence filled with blank stares ensues._

* * *

**Moony's Authour's Note: Did you like it? Review, please!**


	5. Mediocre Dunces!

**Moony's Authour's Note: Just wanted to thank the new reviewers!**

* * *

_The silence had not been broken. The door opens. McGonagall and Snape walk in._

Snape: Will anyone like to explain why I have been brought here?

McGonagall: Don't look at me! I've been summoned too!

Draco: ...more people?

Dumbledore: We are reading a story by a Hogwarts student.

Snape: No shit.

McGonagall: It looks interesting. It is always nice to read student's works!

Draco: Not this one. No. Turn back while you can!

Snape: Okay.

McGonagall: You will do no such thing! Sit down, and please explain to us what has happened.

Draco: You don't know what you're getting yourself into.

Dumbledore: I shall explain.

Snape: Obviously.

Draco: _I'll_ do it. I don't trust Dumbledore and his 'explaining' skills. He'll add in useless commentary.

_Draco explains the story before anyone can argue, and everyone looks intrigued._

Draco: This is not bloody exciting!

**Chapter 5.**

Snape: The suspense is astronomical.

**AN: STOP flaming! **

Draco: You earned every one of those flames.

Dumbledore: Maybe we are being too harsh.

Draco: She made me have sex with a loser, and didn't even write with enough detail! Of course it deserves it!

McGonagall: Sex? You mustn't! You are underage!

Snape: You left that out of your summary.

Draco: For a good reason!

**if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! **

McGonagall: It is not nice to classify people with such generic terms.

Draco: Well, she's a goff.

Snape: The term is goth.

Draco: Yes, but she's a _goff_.

**Da only reson Dumbledeor **

McGonagall: SPELL HIS NAME RIGHT!

Dumbledore: Calm down, Minerva...it is a simple typo.

Draco: Seems to have a lot of those.

**swor is coz he had a hedache **

Draco: Hahahahahaha!

Dumbledore: So _that_ is why people swear!

Snape: This is utter bullshit.

Draco: *gasp* Professor! Do you have a headache?

Snape: If an urge to punish you means a headache, then yes.

**ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! **

Snape: ...She spelled sex wrong. How do you spell a three letter word wrong?

Dumbledore: I wouldn't be mad. They were of age. She turned me on.

Everyone: *blinks*

**PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!**

Draco: No way will that ever happen!

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Draco: hahahaha...oh damn.

Snape: What is the 666 for?

Draco: I don't know. But it interrupts the eloquence.

**Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. **

McGonagall: You didn't use violence, did you?

Dumbledore: I understand how this could be mistaken for such a thing.

**He kept shouting at us angrily.**

Dumbledore: I never yell!

**"You ludacris fools!" he shouted.**

McGonagall: ...That's the best you can come up with?

Dumbledore: Let's see you do better.

McGonagall: Er...

**I started to cry tears of blood **

Draco: Ooh...that doesn't sound good.

Snape: That dunderhead should just come to me for a potion to fix the injury.

**down my pallid face. Draco comforted me. **

Draco: NYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

McGonagall: Sweet Merlin, calm down!

Draco: I hate touching the girl!

McGonagall: Ten points from Slytherin for immaturity.

Snape: Ten points to Slytherin for rationality.

**When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape **

Snape: You're in Slytherin?

Draco: Unfourtunately...such filth ought not to be admitted.

McGonagall: Blasphemy.

**and Professor McGonagall **

McGonagall: Why am I there?

Dumbledore: I may need some help from time to time, some advice.

**who were both looking very angry.**

McGonagall: I'd probably rather be grading papers.

Dumbledore: I'm sure the headmaster comes first.

Draco: Was it this odd to learn that teachers banter when you became a professor?

Snape: Creepy indeed.

**"They were having sexual intercourse **

Draco: I love how that's spelled right.

Snape: Did you enjoy having it?

Draco: NO! And number two, that is my private life, you pedophile.

**in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.**

**"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" **

Snape: *small smile* Whoever said that deserves a reward.

McGonagall: Fifty galleons.

Snape: Hundred.

Dumbledore: Two-fifty.

McGonagall: Three way? Deal.

**asked Professor McGonagall.**

McGonagall: FIVE HUNDRED GALLEONS TO ME!

Snape: You are so stupid, headmaster.

Draco: Shut up, all of you.

**"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.**

Draco: No offense, professor, but that was lame.

Snape: It was better than you could do, you mediocre dunce. I didn't have sex. It's not like I go around doing sex, even in such trivial stories.

**And then Draco shrieked. **

Draco: Oh no, no, no, no. Me shrieking is never a good sign.

**"BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"**

Everyone but Draco: Ah hahahahaahahahaahahahaha!

Draco: *covers face* Why me?

**Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad ****but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."**

Snape: How I love to be an exception.

McGonagall: You let them go? Just like that? What if they were Gryffindors, huh?

Snape: None of this is real.

Dumbledore: Or is it? You should always expect the unexpected...I think that shriek must have been very sexy, Draco, and thus Severus thought it prudent for you two to continue to enjoy yourselves.

**Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.**

Draco: This is getting redundant. Why doesn't this Tara just say: Ebony and Draco got glued together, against his will, so she doesn't have to always specify 'we'?

**"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.**

Draco: GENTLY?! I got yelled at, glared at, and fucked, and I'm asking her _gently_ how the hell she's doing?!

Snape: You are so in love.

Dumbledore: That turns me on.

McGonagall: You shouldn't swear so much.

Draco: *glares* I have a headache.

**"Yeah I guess." I lied. **

Draco: You just had sex with me, and you're _not _okay?

Dumbledore: It must've not been passionate enough.

Draco: ...please stop talking...you're scaring me.

**I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. **

McGonagall: You said that she spends an unnecessary amount of time explaining her clothing.

Draco: She does.

Dumbledore: It's a good thing. It helps you visualize her...

Draco: It is stupid.

Snape: I don't really care.

**When I came out….**

Snape: Why is there some suspense?

Dumbledore: I bet Draco was out there...he's so romantic.

Draco: *scoff* No. It's the girls' room.

McGonagall: Are you gay, Albus?

Dumbledore: ...Maybe?

**Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, **

Draco: *covers eyes* AAH! Get me out of there!

McGonagall: You're not really there. Stop covering your eyes.

**and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. **

Snape: What?

Draco: Some Muggle thing...

**I was so flattered, **

Draco: WHY?!

Snape: And why are you yelling unnecessarily?

Draco: Because it is necessary!

Snape: ...Is this known to lower IQ?

Draco: Probably.

**even though he wasn't supposed to be there. **

Dumbledore: The rules are there for a reason.

Draco: I don't want me in there!

**We hugged and kissed. **

McGonagall: Wow. Is this what you teach Slytherin students to do, Severus?

Snape: No.

**After that, we said goodnight **

Draco: Next time, let's switch things up a little! Say goodnight and then leave, and accidentally forget the hugging and kissing!

Dumbledore: Change is good.

**and he reluctantly went back into his room.**

Draco: ...she means willingly.

Snape: That was so bad.

McGonagall: I want to read more.

Draco: I WARNED YOU!

* * *

**Moony's Authour's Note: How was it? You should review and tell me!**


	6. Harry Giggles, Whimpers, and Bumps

_Harry and his faithful sidekicks (Ron and Hermione) enter._

Harry: Malfoy? What are you doing here?

Draco: I was the cause of your summoning.

Ron: Shit. That cannot be good. We should leave.

Draco: No!

McGonagall: We're reading a story. It's by a student, and quite-

Draco: Wonderful. You should read it.

Snape: One hundred points from Gryffindor for showing up.

McGonagall: One hundred points to Gryffindor for following instructions!

Hermione: Teachers bicker?

Draco: Obviously, Granger. I mean, what would you expect?

Hermione: Well, what are we reading?

Draco: It's _so_ good. You won't be able to stop reading!

Hermione: BOOKS!

Ron: Calm down, Hermione.

Dumbledore: It is nice to see such eager students.

Harry: So, what's happened so far?

_Draco explains, purposely leaving out some of the more embarrassing scenes._

Harry: That's very interesting.

McGonagall: *whispers* Five points from Slytherin for the omission of important facts.

Snape: *whispers, unaware of McGonagall's statement* Five points to Slytherin for employing proper techniques.

**Chapter 6.**

Hermione: Oh, this is going to be wonderful!

Draco: Shut up. No it won't be.

Harry: I thought you liked this, Malfoy?

Draco: I do, Potter.

**AN: shjt up prepz ok! **

Ron: No wonder Malfoy likes this.

Harry: What's a prep?

Hermione: Someone preppy.

Draco: Know-it-all Granger.

Snape: Miss Granger, stop being such an insufferable know-it-all.

McGonagall: Please refrain from displaying your unresolved sexual tension in public.

Snape: ...

Hermione: ...

Ron: HEY!

**PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!**

Draco: No one will give this good reviews.

Dumbledore: It is good to be good.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Draco: I still love the x's.

Snape: The bloody 666 is still there. What's it for?

Hermione: The 666 represents Satan's number.

Snape: Stop being such a know-it-all.

Ron: You asked!

Snape: I was asking Mr Potter.

Harry: ...huh? Oh, it's Satan's number.

Dumbledore: Satan is the devil.

McGonagall: Please do not bully my students.

Snape: I'm not as bad as Umbitch.

McGonagall: True.

**The next day I woke up in my coffin. **

Ron: Her coffin?

Hermione: It's a common Muggle belief that vampires sleep in coffins. So if this Ebony is a vampire, then chances are that Tara has her sleep in a coffin. Of course, that is entirely not true, but who can-

Draco: Please shut up.

Harry: If that's where she sleeps, where else would she wake up in?

Dumbledore: Ebony likes the forest.

McGonagall: She could've woken up anywhere that it is possible to have sex with-

Draco: Shut up.

**I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.**

Ron: She's not attractive.

Hermione: Shut up, Ron! That's not a very nice thing to say!

Dumbledore: Paint is not good for hair.

Snape: Yes, thank you, Dumbledore.

**In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, **

Ron: Bloody hell...she's obsessed.

Hermione: Even I think this is much too extreme.

**and a glass of red blood. **

Draco: That's right! Just drink red blood! Is this who school full of vampires that no one finds this as weird?

Ron: What other colour would the blood be?

Snape: You should pay more attention in potions.

**Suddenly someone bumped into me. **

Hermione: Wait, what? Wasn't she sitting?

Draco: That's what I thought.

Snape: There is no logic in this stupidity.

Dumbledore: Did they have sex?

McGonagall: ALBUS!

Ron: Bloody hell...Dumbledore is so dirty.

**All the blood spilled over my top.**

Draco: Uh oh...

Harry: Wands at the ready?

Draco: Wands at the ready.

**"****Bastard!" I shouted angrily.**

McGonagall: Such language in the presence of First Years!

**I regretted saying it **

Draco: Oh Merlin...don't be me, don't be me...

Harry: Why would it be you? Oh...haha.

**when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy **

McGonagall: Oh right. She's always nice to the goths.

Snape: She spelled gothic correct.

McGonagall: So?

Snape: So she's improving. I'd give it a T.

McGonagall: As opposed to...

**with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. **

Draco: *rejoices* That's not me! It's probably Potter or Weaselbee.

Ron: Why us?

Hermione: _Obviously_ there is a logical explanation to this, Ronald.

Draco: Every time someone is summoned, they appear in the story.

Ron: It's not me, I don't have black hair.

Draco: Yeah, well, neither do I but I did, so tough luck.

**He was wearing so much eyeliner **

Harry: This is a guy, right?

Dumbledore: Guys and girls are allowed the same rights. They are equal.

**that I was going down his face **

Snape: That is not possible.

Harry: I'm having trouble visualizing that.

Hermione: It is _obviously_ a metaphor.

Draco: Yeah, Granger? What's it alluding to then, huh?

Hermione: ...

Ron: You can't get owned by Malfoy!

Hermione: ...

Draco: Victory!

Snape: Ten points to Slytherin.

McGonagall: Drat.

**and he was wearing black lipstick. **

Snape: May Merlin save us from the horrific long description of clothing.

Hermione: It can't be that bad.

**He didn't have glasses anymore **

Ron: ...

Harry: Not me, not me, not me, not me...

**and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's **

McGonagall: What're with the contacts? Isn't that like You-Know-Who's eye colour?

Dumbledore: Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself.

**and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. **

Harry: Shit.

Hermione: It's okay, Harry. There's still a chance it's not you.

**He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him **

Harry: Well, I s'pose things could be worse.

Ron: Dude, she thinks you're sexy! That's better than Malfoy!

Draco: Excuse me! I am her girlfriend!

Everyone but Draco: *laughs at his expense*

Hermione: Draco ownage one, complete.

McGonagall: Ten points to Gryffindor.

Snape: Ten points off-

McGonagall: Don't try it.

**kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko.**

Harry: ...right.

**"****I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.**

Harry: I AM NOT SHY!

Ron: That's a lie.

Dumbledore: That'd turn me on.

Draco: Please...for the love of all things magical...stop reminding us what turns you on.

Dumbledore: Humans are equal.

**"****That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.**

Harry: And now the big moment...blimey, this is more stressful than fighting Voldemort.

Ron and Draco: *flinch*

Harry: STOP FLINCHING!

**"****My name's Harry Potter, **

Harry: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Draco: Come on, toughen up. She's not having sex with you.

Harry: Did she have sex with you?

McGonagall: Yes!

Harry: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

**although most people call me Vampire these days." **

Harry: What?

Draco: VAMPIRE POTTER!

Hermione: Aw...It's okay Harry.

Draco: It's Vampire.

Snape: Ten points from Gryffindor for an idiotic name.

McGonagall: Ten points to my house for...oh just give the damn points to them.

Dumbledore: Power is not to be abused...Vampire is a sexy name.

Draco: What have I told you about talking?

**he grumbled.**

Harry: Why am I grumbling?

**"****Why?" I exclaimed.**

Draco: I think that is the most reasonable, grammatically correct sentence so far.

McGonagall: So it is.

Snape: Remember this moment.

Hermione: You guys have really low expectations.

**"****Because I love the taste of human blood." **

Harry: WHAT?!

Draco: You're probably a vampire...sucks, doesn't it?

Harry: Why would I share that with her if being a vampire should generally be kept a secret?

Ron: Harry, she's drinking _blood_.

Harry: Right.

**he giggled.**

Harry: And now I'm giggling. Why am I giggling? Guys don't giggle!

Dumbledore: Guys and girls ought to be given-

Draco: Shut up.

McGonagall: Ten points from Slytherin for being rude.

Snape: Ten points from Gryffindor for being unreasonably obsessed with the headmaster.

**"****Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.**

Draco: No shit, Sherlock.

Snape: Isn't that a Muggle thing?

Draco: ...no.

Hermione: Yes it is!

Dumbledore: Hmm...

**"****Really?" he whimpered.**

Harry: And now I'm whimpering!

**"****Yeah." I roared.**

_Everyone stared blankly at the page._

**We sat down to talk for a while. **

Hermione: She was already sitting.

Snape: There is no logic to this stupidity.

Draco: I'm feeling a sense of deja vu coming on.

**Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.**

Draco: Uh oh...

Hermione: LET'S CONTINUE!

Ron: I actually want to see what happens next.

Harry: I hope she doesn't butcher me anymore...

* * *

**Moony's Authour's Note: Did you like it? Review, please!**


	7. Draco balls heehee

**Moony's Authour's Note: My sincerest apologies for the late update. I didn't realize how much time had past...For SnowShimmer, who reminded me to update.**

* * *

Draco: I kind of don't want to read this chapter.

Dumbledore: It does not do to not give it a chance.

Snape: Headmaster, your wisdom filled statements are not quite up to par.

McGonagall: SEVERUS! Respect!

**Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life**

Hermione: Oh look! This one has a chapter name!

Dumbledore: I believe this means sex!

Ron: What is your obsession with sex?

Draco: It turns him on...

Ron: I didn't need to know, Malfoy.

Draco: You asked!

**AN: wel ok u guyz **

Snape: Would it kill her to spell things properly?

Draco: Probably.

Snape: Five points to Slytherin.

**im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. **

Hermione: I thought she's obsessed with Satan, and wanted _god_ reviews?

Draco: Merlin, Granger, it's a typo!

Hermione: I know, I'm just commenting!

Draco: No one cares for your Mudblood comments.

Harry: Shut up, Malfoy, no Slytherins are here to hear your fake stupidity.

Draco: ...

McGonagall: Ten points to Gryffindor, and five from Slytherin.

Snape: ...good call...

**n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! **

Draco: Ooh, that's probably asking for too much.

McGonagall: Even I'd have to agree.

Draco: Five points to Slytherin?

McGonagall: No.

**STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! **

Harry: Woah!

Hermione: She's a bit bipolar.

Ron: Stop using such big words!

**Evony **

Draco: I am still unable to understand how she continues to spell her own character's name wrong. It's pathetic.

Harry: Anybody who writes about anybody having sex with you is pathetic.

Draco: Hey!

**isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect **

Hermione: Well, she's written that way...

**SHES A SATANITS! **

Snape: That escalated quickly...

Draco: I bet she's perfect in this authour's eyes...

Hermione: I hate to say...but I agree with Malfoy.

Ron: HERMIONE, YOU TRAITOR!

McGonagall: Mr Weasley, please calm down. I would like to get to the story today, if you please.

Snape: Two points from Gryffindor. Minerva forgot to do so.

**n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!**

Hermione: Actually, that is the recipe for creating a Mary Sue, make them depressed so the world revolves around them. I'm surprised the authour doesn't know this, this is actually normally considered common knowledge-

Draco: I'm going to say this politely, Granger...SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Hermione: ...That wasn't very polite.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXZXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Draco: X's with random Satan's number in the middle, heehee...and the Z. Why is there a 'Z'? Am I not allowed to enjoy my x's in peace?

Dumbledore: Accidents happen. That is why they are called accidents.

Draco: I DON'T CARE WHY THEY'RE CALLED ACCIDENTS!

Harry: Calm down, Malfoy. Angst year was last year.

Draco: I can be angsty whenever I want, Potter.

Hermione: Now I know why Malfoy and Harry are rivals!

McGonagall and Snape: ...

**Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish **

Ron: Why was that important?

Dumbledore: Details help one read the authour's mind.

Snape: Headmaster, I do not really wish to see what is going on in this authour's mind.

McGonagall: Unfortunately, I find myself in the same position as Severus.

**as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish**

Harry: I don't care.

Ron: She's not as sexy as Hermione.

Hermione: WHAT?!

Ron: What?

Harry: ...

** (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). **

Hermione: Yes.

Snape: Five points from Gryffindor.

Hermione: WHY?

Snape: For being wrong. Clothing cannot define a Mary Sue.

Hermione: AAHHHHHH! I never get things wrong!

McGonagall: We are going to be out of points soon.

Dumbledore: Losing hope is the first step to failure.

Draco: No one cares for your unwise wise words, Dumbledore!

**I waved to Vampire. **

Harry: I killed her. Because I am the boy who lived! I am just that epic!

**Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. **

Draco: No you didn't.

**I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. **

Harry: Wait, what?! Why would _I_ be jealous about...about-

Dumbledore: Would you like some gay counseling? I can help you there.

Draco: Um...

Snape: Um...

Harry: I AM NOT GAY! Why would I be jealous for Ebony going out with Draco?

Draco: I don't swing that way, and nor would I date a Potter.

Harry: I wouldn't date a Malfoy either.

McGonagall: FIFTY POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR FOR COOPERATION!

Snape: 50 points to Slytherin for the same reason.

McGonagall: Well that defeats the purpose.

**Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. **

Draco: Oh no, no, no, no.

Dumbledore: I wonder how accurate this is.

**We went into his room and locked the door. **

Draco: Scream me, scream! She's RAPING you!

Harry: *gleeful* I'm pretty sure this is mutual.

Ron: Oh this is great!

**Then…**

Draco: I ran out of the room after AVADA KEDAVRAing her!

**We started **

Draco: Shit.

**frenching passively **

Hermione: Passively? How do you french passively? Or _why_?

Draco: I don't french passively!

Dumbledore: That would turn me on.

Draco: NOBODY CARES!

Harry: I don't think I want to have anymore private lessons with you, sir.

Draco: Private lessons with Dumbledore?!

**and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. **

Harry: Oh Merlin!

Ron: This is even better than the bouncing ferret!

Draco: Shut up.

McGonagall: Don't be a poor sport.

**He felt me up **

Harry: How did she feel?

Draco: ...

Snape: Five points from Gryffindor for stupid questions.

Harry: This is not fair! Snape always backs Malfoy up.

Dumbledore: _Professor_ Snape, Harry.

Harry: You see!

**before I took of my top. **

Ron: Geez, you made the girl do it herself? That is not how you do it!

**Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. **

Hermione: Her bra is black. Why does this matter?

Draco: She's a Mary Sue. Everything matters.

Harry: Even her sex life?

Draco: Shut up.

Harry: You called that upon yourself, mate.

Ron: MATE?!

Harry: Malfoy. I meant Malfoy.

Draco: ...

**We went on the bed and started making out naked **

Draco: No shit.

Snape: I do not want to witness this stupid teenage phenomenon.

McGonagall: Nor do I.

Hermione: HOUSE UNITY! Now, for about the house-elfs...

Ron: Draco is making out with a Mary Sue, and you're worrying about spew?!

**and then he put his boy's thingy in mine **

Hermione: She has a boy thingy? A _penis_?

Dumbledore: Gay sex is not wrong.

Snape: For the last time, are you a gay pedophile?

Dumbledore: ...maybe?

Snape: You're not even speaking in riddles anymore! This is just plain obnoxious!

**and we HAD SEX. **

Draco: Why is that in caps?

Ron: She had sex with _you_. Obviously it's gonna have to be in caps for us to believe it.

Draco: Excuse me!

**(c is dat stupid?)**

All: Yes.

_Everyone looks around at eachother._

Dumbledore: You know what they say about people who say things at the same time? They're soulmates.

Everyone: ...

**"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed **

Hermione: How attractive.

Draco: Shut up.

**while getting an orgasm **

Ron: How attractive.

Harry: It only works when you say it at the _same_ time.

Ron: Oh.

**when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. **

Draco: *really worried* Shit.

Harry: *curious*

Hermione and Ron: *roll eyes*

**It was a black heart with an arrow through it. **

Draco: Wait, what?!

Harry: NO WAY!

Snape: Mr Malfoy, why do you have a tattoo on your arm.

Draco: ...

Dumbledore: Students have a right to express themselves.

**On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… **

Dumbledore: Bets?

McGonagall: Malfoy.

Snape: Snape.

Draco: AUGH!

**Vampire!**

Harry: WHAT?!

Draco: What?!

Harry: EEEEVVVVVVIIIIILLLLLL!

Dumbledore: Gayness is not something to be as-

McGonagall: The words are homoerotic feelings.

Draco: SHUT UP! WHY DO I HAVE VAMPIRE WRITTEN ON MY SKIN?!  


**I was so angry.**

Draco and Harry: Me too!

Dumbledore: You know what they-

Draco and Harry: Shut up! You stop talking! No you! ARRRGH!

Ron: You guys are digging yourself into a deeper hole.

**"You bastard!" **

Hermione: Woah. Calm down, Mary.

Snape: She has a headache.

**I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.**

Ron: I'm imagining Ebony doing some weird flying thing and escaping from Malfoy heroically.

Draco: This is not the time for jokes.

Harry: Why is my name plastered on your skin?

**"No! No! But you don't understand!" **

Draco: Wait, what don't you understand?

Hermione: *laughing* She probably thinks you're cheating on her for Harry.

Draco: What?! That is the stupidest-

**Draco pleaded. **

Draco: I. Do. Not. Plead. Nor, do I have a tattoo with Potter's pseudonym on it.

Harry: I am the Boy Who Lived, _not_ Vampire!

McGonagall: ...bickering like an old married couple...

**But I knew too much.**

Draco: Oh Merlin...

Harry: ...hear, hear...

**"No, you fucking idiot!" **

Dumbledore: *wincing* You are going to turn him away.

Draco: Can you not see I _want_ to be turned away?

Dumbledore: No.

**I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"**

Dumbledore: Woah, woah, woah! Hold the phone!

Snape: There is no phone.

Dumbledore: You don't get AIDs through gay sex!

McGonagall: And you would know how?

Dumbledore: I've done it! And I'm AIDs free!

McGonagall, Snape, Ron, and Hermione: ...

Draco: Why is everyone under the impression Potter or I got the other one laid?

Harry: Believe me, if I knew, this whole thing would have stopped.

**I put on my clothes all huffily **

Hermione: She can't even write an emotional moment, it's way too grammatically incorrect.

**and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. **

Everyone but Draco: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Draco: What have I done to deserve such awful treatment?

Harry: Were born.

Hermione: She has not denied the two of you having sex...

Harry: I think it's her imagination.

Draco: I agree.

**He had a really big you-know-what **

Draco: Smile?

Dumbledore: I believe she means the testicles?

Ron: The...dick? Hahahahahahaha!

Draco: We have a First Year here. Call an ambulance.

McGonagall: Muggle thing...

Draco: ...no.

Hermione: Actually—

Draco: Shut up. This is a big enough disaster already!

Dumbledore: But surely you want others to see your parts!

Snape: What is wrong with you? I don't.

**but I was too mad to care.**

Hermione: She sure assumes a lot.

Ron: Like she assumes she has a brain?

Draco: *mutters* As if you have a brain.

Hermione: *oblivious to Draco* Exactly!

Ron: Hey!

** I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom**

McGonagall: If you're both in Slytherin, I would assume you both have the same classes.

Harry: Not in Seventh Year. I think I'm in higher classes.

Draco: That is not true!

Harry: So you think Ebony is worthy of being in NEWTs classes?

Draco: ...

Hermione: She could be acting dumb.

Snape: _Or_ you both could be ditching classes.

**where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape **

Snape: I am forever traumatized.

Draco: Hey! I'll have you know my penis is perfect!

**and some other people.**

Hermione: These are not important in such an important time.

Draco: How is this important?

Ron: Quiet! I want to remember this. Draco Malfoy, the gay guy with a huge banana...heehee...actually, bad mental image.

**"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" **

Harry: Uh oh...

**I yelled.**

Draco: Ebony is becoming Dumbledore!

Dumbledore: Two Dumbledores!

McGonagall: Yay!

Snape: May Merlin preserve my soul.

* * *

**Moony's Authours Note: Please review! You all are AWESOME, because you are all _totally_ goffic. Yay!**


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